When It Comes To Dating, Is There Such Thing As “Too Much” Self Esteem?

This is kind of a tricky question, and here’s why. In my last blog post, I defined self esteem as:

Confidence in one’s own worthiness of love and respect.

Based on that definition alone, I don’t believe there is such a thing as “too much” self esteem. However, a more precise definition of self esteem might be:

Confidence in one’s own worthiness of love and respect and belief that everyone else is worthy as well.

If you believe you are more deserving of love and respect than other people, that’s not self-esteem - that’s arrogance.

Arrogance isn’t “super self esteem” - it’s insecurity masquerading as the pathway to feeling better about yourself.

Arrogance is a love-blocking dysfunction. The arrogant person either preys on those with low self esteem (who agree they are less important), or attracts other arrogant people. The latter might sound like a decent pairing, but in truth - two people who think they are more important than the other do not a happy couple make.

It’s similar to the line between confidence and conceit - you can’t love yourself too much, but if you think your gifts make you a fundamentally more worthwhile or important person than anyone else, you’ve crossed the line past confidence into the land of the conceited.

Conceit, like arrogance, is ultimately the opposite of confidence. The conceited person is as falsely confident as the bully - a bundle of fear trying to use other people’s pain as a salve for their own.

But self esteem? Self esteem is like love - you can never have too much.

The person with self esteem can give and receive love with an open heart. Not because she’s perfect, but because she knows she doesn’t have to be.

Happy dating, beautiful human.

xo

Francesca