You already know it’s Cuffing Season, but it hasn’t yet reached its peak. That won’t come until 2019, when the combination of the desire to pair off during colder weather and the start of a new year create an online dating lollapalooza come January.

It all peaks on the busiest day of the year for online dating - the first Sunday of the New Year. It’s a well-established phenomenon year in and year out, and it tells us what we already know - when you’re single and don’t want to be, there’s no time of year like the beginning of the year to feel motivated to find love.

The New Year’s Resolution to find love leads to a flurry of dates in January leading up to Valentines Day in February.

It sounds like a great plan in theory, but in reality fewer than 10% of New Year’s Resolutions will succeed. Why? Because we try to use willpower to overcome our old habits, rather than forming a strategy to create lasting change. 

You can power through using your willpower for awhile, but willpower can only do much.

A few bad dates can be enough to completely sap your willpower and derail your hopes for finding love.

So what do you do if you want to find love in 2019? Or how about in 2018?? That’s right - 2018’s not over yet! You can absolutely meet your someone special in time to hang the mistletoe together.

Instead of making a resolution to find love 2019, try a more effective method.

Resolve to start seeing yourself as a love magnet, starting now. Resolve to examine whatever love blocks are standing between you and your dream relationship.

Some, if not all of those blocks are unconscious, but once you identify them, they begin to lose their power over you.

Resolve to make giving and receiving love your new habit. If you do that, the relationship you want will follow, guaranteed. You’ll attract a different kind of person, you’ll show up differently in your actions and your thoughts will align with what you want to happen, rather than what you fear might happen.

If you’re reading this and thinking “easier said than done”, I invite you to reserve a free 1-on-1 coaching session with me. No matter how far away love feels for you right now, love is possible for you. I’ve helped 100+ singles see what’s possible for them, and actually find it!

Bring me your biggest love challenge and I will show you how you can start to overcome it, starting today.

xo

Francesca

How to Actually Do Better Online Without It Being Overwhelming

 Here we are at Part 8! Thank you for sticking with me this far. In case you missed it, here’s what we’ve covered so far:

Part 1: Setting and acting in accordance with your love intention

Part 2: Showing your true self and sharing the right story

Part 3: How not to be a cliche online

Part 4: How many people to message to go on actual dates

Part 5: How to write a great message

Part 6: How to move from chatting online to dating IRL

Part 7: How to go on a first date

For this last post, I’m giving you some parting words of wisdom. This is especially for you if you feel overwhelmed by all the info in Part 1-7.

 Tip #8 You don’t have to be perfect, online or off, to meet your special someone.  

There are people who do the opposite of the advice I’ve given here and still luck out and meet someone amazing, they fall in love and live happily ever after, etc.

It’s like getting rich – some people inherit riches, some people work hard to earn them, and some people win the lottery.

If you weren’t born rich, but you really, really want to be rich, what would you do? You might work hard, invest money, save, etc. Or you roll the dice, literally and figuratively, and hope you hit the jackpot without really “trying”.

Which strategy is most likely to succeed?

In love, we’re all playing the lottery to some extent. There is luck, serendipity, and even fate involved in us finding the right person at the right time.

I’ve given you the advice that’s worked for hundreds of people I’ve worked with and spoken. A lot of it I learned the hard way from my online dating days.

You don’t have to do everything perfectly online to find love. However, I urge you to at least pick ONE THING and do it better than you have up until now.

Maybe you commit to getting new photos, or sending 10 engaging messages this week. Perhaps your goal is to pivot to an in-person date with all of the people you’re presently texting.

The one thing you choose to do could be the thing that gets you in love and offline for good!  

Don’t rely on the lottery. Make an investment of time and effort for the best reward ever – love!

If you’d like to talk 1-on-1 with me about to shortcut your path to love, book your free Dating Strategy Session with me HERE.

Posted
AuthorFrancesca Hogi

How to Actually Date Online Without Wasting Your Time

“Online dating” is kind of a misnomer, because you’re not actually dating until you’ve started going on, you know - dates. When you’re meeting someone for the first time who you’ve connected with online, there are some best practices to follow, especially for women.

Tip #7

It might be considered boring to some, but your first date should be low-cost and low time commitment. This is for your benefit. No matter how amazing someone might seem online, you can’t really know until you’ve met in person.

A coffee or drink date is only boring if you are. Get your coffee to go and take a walk together. Have a drink at a fun bar (where you can still hear each other).

Your first date should NOT be:

  • Dinner (or any other meal)

  • A show

  • A sporting event

  • Anything where you’re making a commitment of hours of your time.

Similarly, first dates should be in an easily accessible public place.

It should go without saying not to give out your address (but I’ll say it anyway). Don’t let someone you don’t yet know pick you up. Arrange your own transportation and meet somewhere you feel safe.

If possible, schedule a “hard out” so you have to leave the date after an hour.

When you really hit it off with someone, I know how easy it can feel to keep talking, let drinks turn into dinner, etc. Especially when it’s been awhile since you made that kind of connection with someone.

Rather than being sad about having a short date, look at it this way - if you really hit it off, it’ll be SO exciting to see them again for a full-blown date!

If someone doesn’t want to see you again after a fun date, it could be because either they weren’t that into you even though they had a good time (their loss!) OR that they know you’re looking for something more serious than they are.

It can feel like a complete bummer when a promising first date goes nowhere. Just know that you’re one person closer to meeting YOUR person.

See you tomorrow for the final post of this series!

xo

Francesca

How to Actually Go From Chatting to Meeting In Person

If your online chatting goes nowhere more often that not, you’re not alone. There are millions and millions of people who have the same experience.

Partly, this is necessary. Those initial messages are a way for you to determine if this person is a potential date. Most of the time, people will do something or say something to take themselves out of the running, so-to-speak.

The “weeding out” is par for the course and it’s a good thing.

What isn’t good is when the only reason two interested people don’t go out because they get distracted, lose the conversational momentum, or drift into chat buddy status.

What a huge waste of time if you’re looking for an actual IRL relationship!

Tip #6 Pivot!

You might hesitate to be the one to broach the IRL date subject for fear of being too forward, desperate or because you feel it’s the other person’s “job” to ask you out.

Do you want to meet someone or don’t you?? If you want to have a chatting buddy and spend more of your life swiping into the void, hang on to those old beliefs.

Otherwise…

Once you’ve been having a back and forth about Istanbul, your holiday travel plans, your favorite ramen spot, etc, it’s time to pivot the conversation to planning an actual date.

There is no exact formula for when to pivot. Some people suggest a pivot after 4 messages. 4 might or might not be enough in any given situation.

My advice? Rather than focus on one number, you should pivot when you feel like you’ve established some rapport.

For Example:

You’re so right, Fatburger is so much better than In-N-Out! How come everyone doesn’t agree with us?? I think that warrants us at least having a drink or cup of coffee. Let me know if you’re up for it!

OR

Well, you have great taste in Halloween costumes! Let me know if you’d like to get together for a drink sometime soon.

OR

It’s kind of a long story of how I ended up living in Alaska for a year. I’ll tell you in person if you’re interested! :) Wanna grab a tea or a smoothie sometime?

The above aren’t “clever” or “playing it cool” - they’re straightforwardly letting the other person know you’re not here for a chatting buddy, you’re here for a date. It puts the ball in their court

LADIES, I’M TALKING TO YOU! This isn’t “pursuing” a guy - it’s giving him a chance to take the ball and run with it.

Otherwise, it’s far too easy for the momentum of that conversation to be lost - and then… womp womp. You end up feel like online dating is a waste of your time. You will lose some folks at this stage - but that’s OK.

NOT EVERYONE IS LOOKING FOR WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR.

Some people have no intention of meeting up. Some people aren’t the person they’re representing themselves to be. Some people are looking to hookup, and if you’re trying to have an actual conversation, they’re not interested.

Remember your end game.

The messaging part will and should weed some people out of consideration. That’s fine! NO more time wasted and now you’re free to move on to someone who is actually on the same page as you.

How to Actually Send a Message Someone Will Want to Respond To

(If you’re just joining us, check out Parts 1-4!)

Tip #5 What To Say

Most people get stumped at the messaging part and totally whiff it. They either don’t say anything at all, or they default to something underwhelming like “Hi.”

Hi” is a bad message because it puts the burden on the recipient to keep the conversation going. For example:

Person 1: Hi

Person 2: Hi

THE END


In the improv comedy world, the first rule is that in a scene, you always say YES, AND. Example:

Person 1: Wow, that’s a really cool parrot on your shoulder.
Person 2: Thanks! And that’s a really cool - OMG is that a porcupine on your shoulder?

I’m not saying the above example is funny, but at least it has momentum. Person 2 accepts the premise (parrot on the shoulder) and adds to it. It keeps the scene going. Otherwise, it looks like this:

Person 1: Wow, that’s a really cool parrot on your shoulder.

Person 2: Thanks.

THE END

Not only is that definitely not funny, but it goes nowhere, which is one of the biggest problems online. Now Person 1 has to think of something else to say and in both the improv and online worlds, that’s a huge no-no.

If you want to send a message someone will actually respond to, take a look at the below and see how the “yes, and” principle applies. The “and” is the question, which makes it easy for the other person to respond to you.

Person 1: Hi! Where are you in that second photo? Is that Istanbul?

Person 2: Hi! Yes, it is! I just went there for the first time in May. Have you been?

Person 1: How’d you like it? My mom is Turkish and most of her family lives in Istanbul, so I’ve been going there to visit most of my life. What brought you there?

Person 2: That’s so cool. I loved it. One of the most beautiful places I’ve been. I went because I try to visit a new city each year and I heard good things. Where else do you like to travel?

The above flows because it has momentum. Each message ends in a question. They don’t have to talk about Istanbul forever, but it’s a great starting point.

Your initial messages do not have to be:

  • hilariously funny

  • super creative

  • witty

  • flirtatious

The only thing you need to be is: conversational and interested. All the other stuff comes later if and when you meet each other.

Finding something specific in the person’s profile to comment on makes it a lot more likely they’ll respond.

(Bear this in mind when it comes to your profile. Make sure it’s not so generic it would difficult to pick something out to start a conversation.)

Yes. And? Yes. And? Yes. And? Let that be your new online mantra!

See you tomorrow for Part 6!

Hi there!

Over the next eight days I am going to share my 8-part guide to online dating. Because, let’s face it - there are tens of millions of people in the U.S. alone who are as likely to meet someone online as I am to qualify for the U.S. gymnastics team.

But unlike me being a 5’11” middle aged non-gymnast, those people CAN meet someone online. They just won’t because they’re doing online dating all wrong.

The tips in this post are for you only if you’re using online dating (or thinking about using online dating) as a tool to help you find love.

If you’re looking for hookups or to use dating apps for an ego boost, no judgments - but this advice doesn’t apply to you.

Since you’re still reading, that tells me that you’re prioritizing genuine connection over superficial interactions. Everything you do online should align with this goal.

MOST PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE AT ONLINE DATING. But not you! At least, not if you follow these tips.

Here we go:

#Tip 1 Begin With The End In Mind

Keeping the end, or “long game” in mind means:

  • NOT misrepresenting yourself in any material way - age, education, marital status, profession, etc.

  • NOT pretending to want something you don’t - if you are looking for love, don’t “play it cool” and act like you’re not.

  • NOT retouching your photos to make yourself look thinner or younger or otherwise different than you look right now.

  • NOT using outdated photos.

  • NOT using group photos. (No hiding!)

The end game is meeting and connecting with someone who wants YOU - as you are, right now. Someone who wants you and wants the same things as you. If you want kids, don’t be shy about it and pretend you don’t. What’s the point? Attracting someone who doesn’t want kids when you do is self-sabotaging.

Retouched photos might get you more matches, but why put yourself in the position of someone being disappointed when they see you?? That’s one of the great mysteries (and frustrations) of online dating. Don’t be that person.

If you have a dating profile up somewhere - anywhere - Tinder, Bumble, Match, OKCupid, wherever - go review it right now. Including your photos. Are you guilty of any of the don’ts above? Is your profile an accurate reflection of who you are and what you’re seeking?

If not, I implore you to fix it! Trust me on this one. See you tomorrow for Part 2!

Beyonce single lady.jpg

#1 You Can’t Hurry Love

One of the biggest myths about romantic love is that it is some mystical force outside of ourselves. It’s a mystical force, alright. And so are we!

Think about it – what other aspect of life do we expect to “happen when it happens”? Money? Health? A job? Friendship? Of course, the answer is none – only love.

A beautiful, loving relationship can fall into your lap. It happens. But what happens more often is a person deciding its time to get serious about finding love. They go online. They ask for introductions. They take up new hobbies that get them out of the house and interacting with new people. They attend dating events. They even hire a professional to help them.

If you wouldn’t sit on the sofa waiting for a job to “just happen”, then why would you for love?

#2 You’ll Find Love When You Stop Looking

It’s such a peeve of mine when people say this. It’s like saying “give up on your heart’s desire in order to find your heart’s desire”, which is nonsense. Using the same analogy as above, would you say “you’ll get in shape when you stop trying to get in shape?” Or you’ll “get rich when you stop trying to get rich?”

Love is your birthright. Every person on the planet who is in a relationship has within them the same desire as you – don’t allow anyone to shame you into convincing yourself you no longer want or expect love.

#3 You’re Unlucky

It’s true that finding compatible partners is something that comes more easily to some than others, for a plethora of reasons. But the bottom line – your luck can change. There’s that wonderful expression “the harder I work, the luckier I get” – and the same applies to love.

If you have a pattern or belief system that is holding you back from finding the love you desire and deserve, it can be changed. Believing in what’s possible for you is the first step.

#4 All The Good Ones Are Taken

Are you taken? Nope. Case closed.

p.s. There are 109 MILLION single adults in the United States. Is every one of them for you? No. Are you for all of them? No. Luckily you’re only looking for 1!

#5 People Don’t Want Relationships Anymore

Do you know people in relationships? Do you know people looking for relationships? So this is pretty obviously untrue, right?

15% of Americans have tried online dating alone – that’s millions of people who are virtually raising their hands and saying “I want to meet someone”. That’s a lot of people to ignore.

Partnership and love are a human need – not everyone is looking for the same things at the same time to be sure – which is where getting clear on what you want and learning to uncover what your potential partners want is key.

Modern dating can be hard. You are faced with a more challenging dating landscape than ever before. But you are not alone – not alone in seeking love and not alone in finding resources to overcome your biggest dating challenges.

At some point, clinging to reasons why finding love is hard or impossible is a defense from disappointment. That disappointment can be armor keeping you from the very love you want! 

Want to talk about how I can help? Book your FREE session today!

 

 

 

Happy Friday!

Serendipity is my FAVORITE force in the universe. I actively court it and expect it in my life. I've found close to $2,000 in cash lying on sidewalks, dance floors, subways, and more. I expect to find money to the point of calling myself the Queen of Found Money. 

I meet new people "randomly" that lead to all sorts of unforeseeable connections and outcomes. It never even occurred to me to start a career in the love industry (and I didn't know there was such a thing as the love industry), before a random conversation with a woman I didn't know at a BBQ led me to discover Paul C. Brunson. I followed him on Twitter because she did, and it was a tweet from him that eventually led me to the Matchmaking Institute

That encounter literally changed my life. I'd never met that woman before and I haven't seen her since. (I do follow her on Twitter, though!)  I never, ever in a million years could have imagined that talking to a stranger at a BBQ would change my life. 

Most recently, I started writing a book inspired by a conversation I had with a woman I met at a restaurant in Amsterdam. I might never see her again, but I am so grateful for that chance meeting! 

I could go on and on. In fact, I recently wrote a list of all the unexpected encounters I've had that wound up significantly impacting the trajectory of my life. It was a long list. And those are the just the ones I can remember and paid attention to. 

"Where attention goes, energy flows" is a constant refrain in my life. And I give a lot of attention to serendipity. 

How about you? Can you think of some of the times in your life something unexpectedly and improbably wonderful happened? The last time you decided to turn right instead of left and something incredible happened as a result? 

What about the last person you encountered who turned out to have a profound impact on your life? 

If you've never given much attention to these kinds of events, I encourage you to start now. See them and acknowledge them as the magic they are. Ask yourself often "I wonder when the next serendipitous thing will occur in my life?" 

And when it (inevitably) does happen, be grateful for it. Get excited for the next one. And watch the magic happen!

Speaking of things magically happening, if you missed my Law of Attraction call this week, here's the call replay link!

I hope you have a beautiful weekend!

xo

Francesca

Happy Friday! 

I'm currently in Washington DC visiting my brand new goddaughter Zora (and her mom!). She's only 24 days old, and it's fascinating to watch her start to absorb the world around her. 

This morning I was looking after her while her mom got some things done around the house. She was clearly hungry, but unlike being fed instantaneously as she's become used to, she had to wait. 

In the 10 minutes or so between the time I understood that she was hungry and a bottle was warm and ready for me to start feeding her, I watched her become more and more agitated. 

That agitation, I realized was actually fear - she wasn't thinking "Can you please hurry up and heat that bottle faster?"  She was thinking something more along the lines of "I am hungry and there's no food! Panic! Panic!

In that moment, I wished I could convey to her that while she can't see the big picture, she should rest assured that food was on its way. There was no reason to panic. 

Like baby Zora, we can rarely see the big picture in the smallest of circumstances - like what's happening in the kitchen of a restaurant that's delayed our meal. When it comes to higher stakes issues, like why you haven't yet met your life partner, there is always a bigger picture that we don't normally see. 

Panic! Panic! Is our programmed response to being in the dark. But it doesn't have to be. Our fear kicks in in anticipation of something happening or not happening. How often do you expect a bad outcome, and then spend all of your energy shrieking (metaphorically) before the outcome has arrived?

The only thing I have ever found that stops me from defaulting to panic mode is faith. Faith that whatever is outside of my control is going to happen whether or not I freak out about it in advance. Faith that I have more control over my life's outcomes than conventional wisdom teaches. 

Easier said than done, I know - for me at times as well! But faith is important because the stories we tell ourselves about our lives have real consequences. 

If you want to gain some tools you can start using right away to start telling yourself a different story - one that serves you rather than one that causes you to panic, I have an invitation for you!

Please join me on Tuesday, June 13th at 7pm EST/4pm PST for an interactive conversation about the Law of Attraction and how it will help you to achieve better results in any area of your life. 

This call is 100% free and I have nothing to sell you - I only want to share the insights I have gained from being an active Law of Attraction guinea pig for the last 10+ years!

You can access the dial-in details and add this event to your calendar via THIS LINK.


If you can't attend live, don't worry - the call will be recorded and I will send the recording to you next Friday. 

Have a wonderful weekend!

xo

Francesca

Posted
AuthorFrancesca Hogi

Happy Friday! 

Do you believe in the Law of Attraction? The philosophy that "thoughts become things?" It's a concept I have been studying for the last ten years, since I first learned of its existence.

It's a basic enough concept, and people have been writing about it for 100 years, from Think And Grow Rich to The Alchemist to The Secret. For ten years I have believed in it, but I haven't been able to consistently apply it to all areas of my life. When I think of the Law of Attraction, I think of what my yoga teacher Anthony Benenati says: "Just because it's basic doesn't mean it's easy."

A couple of weeks ago I had a new (to me) insight about the Law of Attraction, and for me it has been a game changer. I've been working on how to articulate in a way that can help others. 

This is where you come in - as a member of my community, I would like to invite you to have a conversation with me online about The Law of Attraction and this specific method to apply it to any area of your own life. 

If you are interested, please simply reply to this email and I will send you more information. This conversation is 100% free - all I ask in return is your attention and honest feedback! 

I hope you decide to join me. Thank you for reading, and have a great weekend!

xo

Francesca

Posted
AuthorFrancesca Hogi

Happy Friday! 

You know how some people just bug the hell out of you? You know they're not a bad person, but they irk you nonetheless? 

I have one of these people in my life. She's a colleague and I know her heart is in the right place. She is highly strategic about promoting her business via social media and she posts questions like "what's your favorite thing about me?" and encourages her audience to post the same question. She has three hashtags she created that she uses constantly.

She drives me CRAZY. 

This week I attended a talk about women in the workplace and one of the topics covered was the tendency of women not to brag about their accomplishments, oftentimes to the detriment of their career advancement. 

This woman who bugs me often discusses the same topic. In fact, I know the reason she posts on Facebook blatantly asking for compliments is that she is forcing herself to confront this tendency within herself and to empower other women to do the same. 

The more I thought about this woman, the more I realized the fact I could never put myself out there like that is the reason I'm so bugged by her. 

Her style is not my style, but so what? 

I don't want to be her and I don't feel moved to ask questions like hers, but I see a piece of myself in her. A part of myself I am not comfortable confronting. And that's why she bugs me so much. 

Frankly, I'm just being a hater. 

I know that haters only hate when they are triggered by something they fear they can't have, or something they fear they truly are. In this case, it might be a bit of both. 

If you look a little closer at that person who bugs you, my guess is you will find the same. Once you recognize that for what it is, it makes dealing with that person a lot easier. And they might just teach you something about yourself in the process. 

xo

Francesca

Posted
AuthorFrancesca Hogi

Happy Friday!

I know what it is to feel fear. There was a time in my life where I actively worked to conceal my romantic feelings for someone for fear that he'd reject me if given the opportunity. 

I talk to single people all the time who have similar fears. It stops them from taking all kinds of actions - making eye contact with a stranger, messaging someone online, or asking someone out on a date.

Can you relate? If so, here are 3 easy steps to conquer your fear of rejection, for good:

1) Get rejected. 

Stick with me here. Jason Comely, a Canadian entrepreneur, was sick of being too scared to ask women out on dates. So he designed what he called "rejection therapy". For 30 days, he intentionally asked requests of people he knew they would reject - like asking a stranger in a parking lot to drive him to a town 20 miles away. 

He got no after no, and eventually he realized that "no" couldn't hurt him. 

You don't have to go to that extreme to get the benefit of surviving a perceived rejection.

The key is to accept that it is going to feel very uncomfortable and scary to put yourself out there. Lean into the fear, don't try to wish it away. It will only go away once you desensitize yourself to it. 

Trust me. This works!

2) Stop assuming you can read minds.

There have been a few occasions in my life when I said no to someone who asked me out when in my heart, I wanted to say yes. Not to mention the countless times I obliviously blew someone off without even realizing that person's interest in me. 

The reasons for my reactions were varied, but the bottom line was I had my own issues I was dealing with that held me back.

I would hate to think that those guys wasted any time wondering why I didn't like them. The truth was, I did like them! It 100% had nothing to do with them - it was all me. 

We are all the heroes of our own stories. And so it makes sense why you, with the clarity of your perspective, think that you are accurately assessing any given situation. 

But I promise you, you are wrong. At least some of the time! We all are. A "no" or a gesture unreturned or a message ignored might feel crappy, but don't create a story about the "why". Sometimes, the why is just unknowable and oftentimes it doesn't have a thing to do with you. 

3. Change your definition of rejection. 

I've obviously been using the word "rejection" here, but it's a problematic word. It has emotional weight - negative emotional weight, and that has power over us. 

"Rejection" feels like someone has made an assessment of your personal value as a human and found you lacking. It feels like you aren't good enough. 

The reality is, you're always good enough. You might not be the right fit with a particular person, the timing might be wrong, or any number of factors you aren't aware of might be at play. 

When you feel that awful, creeping feeling of being "rejected", take a deep breath and remind yourself that when the time is right, when the opportunity is right and when the person is right, you'll get the outcome you are seeking. 

Until then, every "no" gets you closer to that YES. And that is a good thing. 
 
xo
 
Francesca

Happy Friday!

I'm a huge fan of The Golden Girls. I’ve seen every episode multiple times. It never gets old!

Last week at dinner with some girlfriends I asked everyone which Golden Girl they most identified with. I myself always related most to Dorothy, the smart, sensible and level-headed one.
 
When I told them I was a Dorothy, my friends unilaterally declared that I was more Blanche than Dorothy. After some initial resistance, I realized I really am pretty much a Blanche. (A Blanche/Dorothy hybrid, to more precise.)
 
Since then, I’ve embraced my Blanche status. As women, we are taught early on to be modest and passive and to deflect compliments and to be sexy to men while also pretending not to want sex for ourselves. 
 
I talk to so many single women who have completely suppressed their inner Blanche Devereux, to their detriment. They are stuck in a cycle of being critical of themselves and waiting for a man to “discover” them instead of discovering themselves.
 
And so I was inspired to create a new challenge – a 30-day Blanche Devereux challenge! This challenge is designed to take a different action each day for 30 days to channel a little bit of Blanche's boldness and sassiness and confidence into your life.

It's my gift to you and can download it HERE.

Feel free to share it with a friend and do the challenge together! 
 
Go forth and be sexy, sugar!
 
xo
 
Francesca