Hi there!

Over the next eight days I am going to share my 8-part guide to online dating. Because, let’s face it - there are tens of millions of people in the U.S. alone who are as likely to meet someone online as I am to qualify for the U.S. gymnastics team.

But unlike me being a 5’11” middle aged non-gymnast, those people CAN meet someone online. They just won’t because they’re doing online dating all wrong.

The tips in this post are for you only if you’re using online dating (or thinking about using online dating) as a tool to help you find love.

If you’re looking for hookups or to use dating apps for an ego boost, no judgments - but this advice doesn’t apply to you.

Since you’re still reading, that tells me that you’re prioritizing genuine connection over superficial interactions. Everything you do online should align with this goal.

MOST PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE AT ONLINE DATING. But not you! At least, not if you follow these tips.

Here we go:

#Tip 1 Begin With The End In Mind

Keeping the end, or “long game” in mind means:

  • NOT misrepresenting yourself in any material way - age, education, marital status, profession, etc.

  • NOT pretending to want something you don’t - if you are looking for love, don’t “play it cool” and act like you’re not.

  • NOT retouching your photos to make yourself look thinner or younger or otherwise different than you look right now.

  • NOT using outdated photos.

  • NOT using group photos. (No hiding!)

The end game is meeting and connecting with someone who wants YOU - as you are, right now. Someone who wants you and wants the same things as you. If you want kids, don’t be shy about it and pretend you don’t. What’s the point? Attracting someone who doesn’t want kids when you do is self-sabotaging.

Retouched photos might get you more matches, but why put yourself in the position of someone being disappointed when they see you?? That’s one of the great mysteries (and frustrations) of online dating. Don’t be that person.

If you have a dating profile up somewhere - anywhere - Tinder, Bumble, Match, OKCupid, wherever - go review it right now. Including your photos. Are you guilty of any of the don’ts above? Is your profile an accurate reflection of who you are and what you’re seeking?

If not, I implore you to fix it! Trust me on this one. See you tomorrow for Part 2!

Beyonce single lady.jpg

#1 You Can’t Hurry Love

One of the biggest myths about romantic love is that it is some mystical force outside of ourselves. It’s a mystical force, alright. And so are we!

Think about it – what other aspect of life do we expect to “happen when it happens”? Money? Health? A job? Friendship? Of course, the answer is none – only love.

A beautiful, loving relationship can fall into your lap. It happens. But what happens more often is a person deciding its time to get serious about finding love. They go online. They ask for introductions. They take up new hobbies that get them out of the house and interacting with new people. They attend dating events. They even hire a professional to help them.

If you wouldn’t sit on the sofa waiting for a job to “just happen”, then why would you for love?

#2 You’ll Find Love When You Stop Looking

It’s such a peeve of mine when people say this. It’s like saying “give up on your heart’s desire in order to find your heart’s desire”, which is nonsense. Using the same analogy as above, would you say “you’ll get in shape when you stop trying to get in shape?” Or you’ll “get rich when you stop trying to get rich?”

Love is your birthright. Every person on the planet who is in a relationship has within them the same desire as you – don’t allow anyone to shame you into convincing yourself you no longer want or expect love.

#3 You’re Unlucky

It’s true that finding compatible partners is something that comes more easily to some than others, for a plethora of reasons. But the bottom line – your luck can change. There’s that wonderful expression “the harder I work, the luckier I get” – and the same applies to love.

If you have a pattern or belief system that is holding you back from finding the love you desire and deserve, it can be changed. Believing in what’s possible for you is the first step.

#4 All The Good Ones Are Taken

Are you taken? Nope. Case closed.

p.s. There are 109 MILLION single adults in the United States. Is every one of them for you? No. Are you for all of them? No. Luckily you’re only looking for 1!

#5 People Don’t Want Relationships Anymore

Do you know people in relationships? Do you know people looking for relationships? So this is pretty obviously untrue, right?

15% of Americans have tried online dating alone – that’s millions of people who are virtually raising their hands and saying “I want to meet someone”. That’s a lot of people to ignore.

Partnership and love are a human need – not everyone is looking for the same things at the same time to be sure – which is where getting clear on what you want and learning to uncover what your potential partners want is key.

Modern dating can be hard. You are faced with a more challenging dating landscape than ever before. But you are not alone – not alone in seeking love and not alone in finding resources to overcome your biggest dating challenges.

At some point, clinging to reasons why finding love is hard or impossible is a defense from disappointment. That disappointment can be armor keeping you from the very love you want! 

Want to talk about how I can help? Book your FREE session today!




Happy Friday!

Serendipity is my FAVORITE force in the universe. I actively court it and expect it in my life. I've found close to $2,000 in cash lying on sidewalks, dance floors, subways, and more. I expect to find money to the point of calling myself the Queen of Found Money. 

I meet new people "randomly" that lead to all sorts of unforeseeable connections and outcomes. It never even occurred to me to start a career in the love industry (and I didn't know there was such a thing as the love industry), before a random conversation with a woman I didn't know at a BBQ led me to discover Paul C. Brunson. I followed him on Twitter because she did, and it was a tweet from him that eventually led me to the Matchmaking Institute

That encounter literally changed my life. I'd never met that woman before and I haven't seen her since. (I do follow her on Twitter, though!)  I never, ever in a million years could have imagined that talking to a stranger at a BBQ would change my life. 

Most recently, I started writing a book inspired by a conversation I had with a woman I met at a restaurant in Amsterdam. I might never see her again, but I am so grateful for that chance meeting! 

I could go on and on. In fact, I recently wrote a list of all the unexpected encounters I've had that wound up significantly impacting the trajectory of my life. It was a long list. And those are the just the ones I can remember and paid attention to. 

"Where attention goes, energy flows" is a constant refrain in my life. And I give a lot of attention to serendipity. 

How about you? Can you think of some of the times in your life something unexpectedly and improbably wonderful happened? The last time you decided to turn right instead of left and something incredible happened as a result? 

What about the last person you encountered who turned out to have a profound impact on your life? 

If you've never given much attention to these kinds of events, I encourage you to start now. See them and acknowledge them as the magic they are. Ask yourself often "I wonder when the next serendipitous thing will occur in my life?" 

And when it (inevitably) does happen, be grateful for it. Get excited for the next one. And watch the magic happen!

Speaking of things magically happening, if you missed my Law of Attraction call this week, here's the call replay link!

I hope you have a beautiful weekend!



Happy Friday! 

I'm currently in Washington DC visiting my brand new goddaughter Zora (and her mom!). She's only 24 days old, and it's fascinating to watch her start to absorb the world around her. 

This morning I was looking after her while her mom got some things done around the house. She was clearly hungry, but unlike being fed instantaneously as she's become used to, she had to wait. 

In the 10 minutes or so between the time I understood that she was hungry and a bottle was warm and ready for me to start feeding her, I watched her become more and more agitated. 

That agitation, I realized was actually fear - she wasn't thinking "Can you please hurry up and heat that bottle faster?"  She was thinking something more along the lines of "I am hungry and there's no food! Panic! Panic!

In that moment, I wished I could convey to her that while she can't see the big picture, she should rest assured that food was on its way. There was no reason to panic. 

Like baby Zora, we can rarely see the big picture in the smallest of circumstances - like what's happening in the kitchen of a restaurant that's delayed our meal. When it comes to higher stakes issues, like why you haven't yet met your life partner, there is always a bigger picture that we don't normally see. 

Panic! Panic! Is our programmed response to being in the dark. But it doesn't have to be. Our fear kicks in in anticipation of something happening or not happening. How often do you expect a bad outcome, and then spend all of your energy shrieking (metaphorically) before the outcome has arrived?

The only thing I have ever found that stops me from defaulting to panic mode is faith. Faith that whatever is outside of my control is going to happen whether or not I freak out about it in advance. Faith that I have more control over my life's outcomes than conventional wisdom teaches. 

Easier said than done, I know - for me at times as well! But faith is important because the stories we tell ourselves about our lives have real consequences. 

If you want to gain some tools you can start using right away to start telling yourself a different story - one that serves you rather than one that causes you to panic, I have an invitation for you!

Please join me on Tuesday, June 13th at 7pm EST/4pm PST for an interactive conversation about the Law of Attraction and how it will help you to achieve better results in any area of your life. 

This call is 100% free and I have nothing to sell you - I only want to share the insights I have gained from being an active Law of Attraction guinea pig for the last 10+ years!

You can access the dial-in details and add this event to your calendar via THIS LINK.

If you can't attend live, don't worry - the call will be recorded and I will send the recording to you next Friday. 

Have a wonderful weekend!



AuthorFrancesca Hogi

Happy Friday! 

You know how some people just bug the hell out of you? You know they're not a bad person, but they irk you nonetheless? 

I have one of these people in my life. She's a colleague and I know her heart is in the right place. She is highly strategic about promoting her business via social media and she posts questions like "what's your favorite thing about me?" and encourages her audience to post the same question. She has three hashtags she created that she uses constantly.

She drives me CRAZY. 

This week I attended a talk about women in the workplace and one of the topics covered was the tendency of women not to brag about their accomplishments, oftentimes to the detriment of their career advancement. 

This woman who bugs me often discusses the same topic. In fact, I know the reason she posts on Facebook blatantly asking for compliments is that she is forcing herself to confront this tendency within herself and to empower other women to do the same. 

The more I thought about this woman, the more I realized the fact I could never put myself out there like that is the reason I'm so bugged by her. 

Her style is not my style, but so what? 

I don't want to be her and I don't feel moved to ask questions like hers, but I see a piece of myself in her. A part of myself I am not comfortable confronting. And that's why she bugs me so much. 

Frankly, I'm just being a hater. 

I know that haters only hate when they are triggered by something they fear they can't have, or something they fear they truly are. In this case, it might be a bit of both. 

If you look a little closer at that person who bugs you, my guess is you will find the same. Once you recognize that for what it is, it makes dealing with that person a lot easier. And they might just teach you something about yourself in the process. 



AuthorFrancesca Hogi

Happy Friday!

I know what it is to feel fear. There was a time in my life where I actively worked to conceal my romantic feelings for someone for fear that he'd reject me if given the opportunity. 

I talk to single people all the time who have similar fears. It stops them from taking all kinds of actions - making eye contact with a stranger, messaging someone online, or asking someone out on a date.

Can you relate? If so, here are 3 easy steps to conquer your fear of rejection, for good:

1) Get rejected. 

Stick with me here. Jason Comely, a Canadian entrepreneur, was sick of being too scared to ask women out on dates. So he designed what he called "rejection therapy". For 30 days, he intentionally asked requests of people he knew they would reject - like asking a stranger in a parking lot to drive him to a town 20 miles away. 

He got no after no, and eventually he realized that "no" couldn't hurt him. 

You don't have to go to that extreme to get the benefit of surviving a perceived rejection.

The key is to accept that it is going to feel very uncomfortable and scary to put yourself out there. Lean into the fear, don't try to wish it away. It will only go away once you desensitize yourself to it. 

Trust me. This works!

2) Stop assuming you can read minds.

There have been a few occasions in my life when I said no to someone who asked me out when in my heart, I wanted to say yes. Not to mention the countless times I obliviously blew someone off without even realizing that person's interest in me. 

The reasons for my reactions were varied, but the bottom line was I had my own issues I was dealing with that held me back.

I would hate to think that those guys wasted any time wondering why I didn't like them. The truth was, I did like them! It 100% had nothing to do with them - it was all me. 

We are all the heroes of our own stories. And so it makes sense why you, with the clarity of your perspective, think that you are accurately assessing any given situation. 

But I promise you, you are wrong. At least some of the time! We all are. A "no" or a gesture unreturned or a message ignored might feel crappy, but don't create a story about the "why". Sometimes, the why is just unknowable and oftentimes it doesn't have a thing to do with you. 

3. Change your definition of rejection. 

I've obviously been using the word "rejection" here, but it's a problematic word. It has emotional weight - negative emotional weight, and that has power over us. 

"Rejection" feels like someone has made an assessment of your personal value as a human and found you lacking. It feels like you aren't good enough. 

The reality is, you're always good enough. You might not be the right fit with a particular person, the timing might be wrong, or any number of factors you aren't aware of might be at play. 

When you feel that awful, creeping feeling of being "rejected", take a deep breath and remind yourself that when the time is right, when the opportunity is right and when the person is right, you'll get the outcome you are seeking. 

Until then, every "no" gets you closer to that YES. And that is a good thing. 

Happy Friday!

I'm a huge fan of The Golden Girls. I’ve seen every episode multiple times. It never gets old!

Last week at dinner with some girlfriends I asked everyone which Golden Girl they most identified with. I myself always related most to Dorothy, the smart, sensible and level-headed one.
When I told them I was a Dorothy, my friends unilaterally declared that I was more Blanche than Dorothy. After some initial resistance, I realized I really am pretty much a Blanche. (A Blanche/Dorothy hybrid, to more precise.)
Since then, I’ve embraced my Blanche status. As women, we are taught early on to be modest and passive and to deflect compliments and to be sexy to men while also pretending not to want sex for ourselves. 
I talk to so many single women who have completely suppressed their inner Blanche Devereux, to their detriment. They are stuck in a cycle of being critical of themselves and waiting for a man to “discover” them instead of discovering themselves.
And so I was inspired to create a new challenge – a 30-day Blanche Devereux challenge! This challenge is designed to take a different action each day for 30 days to channel a little bit of Blanche's boldness and sassiness and confidence into your life.

It's my gift to you and can download it HERE.

Feel free to share it with a friend and do the challenge together! 
Go forth and be sexy, sugar!

Happy Holidays! 

This week I had multiple conversations about falling in love. It's so interesting how many different ways people define that experience.

If you fell out of love, was it love to begin with? Can you fall in love with someone who doesn't love you? Does love at first sight exist? Is there someone in love with you without you knowing it, and if so, is that truly love?

Is love an agreement between two people? Can that agreement be broken without mutual consent? Can you be in love and not even know it?

From all the opinions I've heard about falling in love, the common theme seems to be that when it comes to defining love, context is everything.

I believe that to fully experience love, you have to see it as both a feeling and an action. They feed off of each other. The more you feel love, the more you are driven to express it. The more you express it, the more that action inspires you to feel it.

I don't consider falling in love to only be romantic. Romance doesn't have a monopoly on love - love is bigger than everything. You can fall in love with anyone, including yourself.

And that's my holiday wish for you - to fall in love, to fall back in love, over and over, starting with you.



AuthorFrancesca Hogi

Happy Friday! 

I've gone to the gym more in the past two weeks than I have in the previous three months combined. 

I hurt my knee back in August at Burning Man (I know, I know - a Burning Man injury isn't exactly dignified), and other than a few yoga classes and a couple of hikes, I had stopped working out since.

My knee has been better for awhile now, but I'd created a new habit - a sedentary one. 

Two weeks ago I went to a dinner party where I struck up a conversation with two people I didn't know. The conversation turned to exercise and I lamented how completely unmotivated I felt to set foot inside the gym. 

One of the guys I was talking to immediately suggested we agree to work out at least once before the following Monday. Monday was 5 days away and I still cringed at the thought of committing to a single workout in that time. 

But the other dinner guest chimed in that was a great idea and I begrudgingly agreed. Since that night, we have a group text where we report our workout activity. Now we've all committed to twice a week, and I'm already ahead of schedule and earning extra credit for this week!  

It's a phenomenon I've observed in my own coaching practice as well as in other areas of my life - sometimes you need a stranger to hold you accountable. 

These guys don't want to hear my excuses about how busy I am and how the day got away from me and on and on and on. And frankly, it'd be too embarrassing to even try to justify to them not meeting our modest collective goal. 

And so, thanks to some virtual strangers I am back on track with working out. 

Is there something you've been neglecting to do? Could you use some accountability? 

Find a buddy to answer to, and make it happen! 

We got this!



AuthorFrancesca Hogi

Happy Friday! 

As hard as it is to believe, the end of the year is upon us. 

The holidays are a perfect time to reflect on all we've been given. And of course, to give to others. 

I'm not much of a holiday gift giver -  but I do want to share with you some charities I really believe in. 'Tis the season for giving and I hope you consider giving to a worthy cause that you believe in.

Your time, your dollars, even your encouragement are all valuable ways to give. 

Flying Kites: A few years ago I climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro in support of Flying Kites. FK is an amazing organization that provides a home and education for orphaned children in Kenya. 

Donors Choose: DC directly supplies underfunded classrooms with the supplies they need. You can pick from a classroom's wish list or simply give a donation in any amount. 

The Human Utility: This is so genius - this organization pays the past due water bills of poor families in Detroit and Baltimore. Turning the water back on - a wonderful gift to give a family for the holidays. 

Global Goods Partners: If you are in the market for beautiful and unique gifts, please consider GGP. All of their items are made by hand by well-paid women artisans in developing countries. GGP pays the women directly for their wares. 

Thank you for reading. 

I wish you beautiful gifting and receiving this season! 



AuthorFrancesca Hogi

Happy Friday!

I recently learned that one of the couples I've long admired started their relationship while one of them was married to someone else. Decades later, no one would doubt that they are one of those "meant to be" couples. 

My own parents met when my mother was dating someone else (whom she promptly dumped for my dad). I actually know quite a few couples who met and fell for each other while one of more of them was involved with someone else.

My knee-jerk reaction is to feel that leaving your partner for someone else is morally questionable, to say nothing of the dubiousness of outright cheating. But who am I to judge another person's path to happiness? Is staying in one relationship when you're in love with someone else doing you or anyone else any favors?

I'm not so sure. 

Let me be clear - I don't tell you this to say that cheating is good - in fact, I think that cheating is a bad idea. Morality aside, it typically doesn't end well, which alone is enough of a reason not to do it. But I have to recognize that judging other people for a set of circumstances I didn't personally experience is just as morally dubious as anything I might judge in someone else.

One of the most beautiful things about life is that we all have many different paths - we could never guess the twists and turns our lives will take. And what is more unpredictable than love? 

On a more everyday scale, I talk to people who spend a lot of emotional energy judging themselves for their own paths. Whether they're embarrassed they're on a dating app, or that they don't yet have children or the "perfect" career, body, home, etc...

Imagine a world where we practiced more compassion towards ourselves and towards others. That's a world I want to live in. 



AuthorFrancesca Hogi

Happy Thanksgiving!

"Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well." -Voltaire

I appreciate you so very much. I am sending you much love and gratitude this weekend, and always. 



AuthorFrancesca Hogi

Hi there,

This past week and a half has been rough for just about everyone I know. Election 2016 was not a joke. We've been in such a collective state of stress and anxiety for so long, I suppose it was inevitable that no matter the outcome, half of the country would come down hard. 

I consider myself to be a very emotionally resilient person, but the past week and half has been trying to a degree that has really surprised me. I felt unmotivated, depressed and like I was walking around in a fog. 

On Wednesday, two things happened that helped me to see the light again. First, I went for a hike and I came across the LA version of the Pont des Arts bridge in Paris - AKA the "love locks" bridge, which is a fence along the trail. 

Seeing all those locks, with names and dates written or taped or carved into the locks, helped me to remember that love will always survive any dashed hopes - love is simply who we are. And that is not changing. 

The second thing that happened was I received an email from a former client with the subject "Found love". She wanted to share with me that she had fallen in love with a wonderful man and they had decided to commit to each other. She thanked me for my help in her journey, but I am the one who is grateful to her. Her email was right on time! 

I believe in signs - and I was reminded that while we might have to peer through fog to see them, they are still all around us. 

Now is the time to prove to ourselves that we can continue to live our values, that we can rise above the darkness and be the light. Now is the time for us to choose how to move forward. I choose love. 



AuthorFrancesca Hogi