Part 4 - How to Actually Meet Someone Online and Not Swipe Into the Void by dating expert Francesca Hogi
Part 3 - How to Actually Meet Someone Online and Not Swipe Into the Void by dating expert Francesca Hogi
Part 2 of How To Actually Meet Someone Online and Stop Swiping Into the Void by dating expert Francesca Hogi
Over the next eight days I am going to share my 8-part guide to online dating. Because, let’s face it - there are tens of millions of people in the U.S. alone who are as likely to meet someone online as I am to qualify for the U.S. gymnastics team.
But unlike me being a 5’11” middle aged non-gymnast, those people CAN meet someone online. They just won’t because they’re doing online dating all wrong.
The tips in this post are for you only if you’re using online dating (or thinking about using online dating) as a tool to help you find love.
If you’re looking for hookups or to use dating apps for an ego boost, no judgments - but this advice doesn’t apply to you.
Since you’re still reading, that tells me that you’re prioritizing genuine connection over superficial interactions. Everything you do online should align with this goal.
MOST PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE AT ONLINE DATING. But not you! At least, not if you follow these tips.
Here we go:
#Tip 1 Begin With The End In Mind
Keeping the end, or “long game” in mind means:
NOT misrepresenting yourself in any material way - age, education, marital status, profession, etc.
NOT pretending to want something you don’t - if you are looking for love, don’t “play it cool” and act like you’re not.
NOT retouching your photos to make yourself look thinner or younger or otherwise different than you look right now.
NOT using outdated photos.
NOT using group photos. (No hiding!)
The end game is meeting and connecting with someone who wants YOU - as you are, right now. Someone who wants you and wants the same things as you. If you want kids, don’t be shy about it and pretend you don’t. What’s the point? Attracting someone who doesn’t want kids when you do is self-sabotaging.
Retouched photos might get you more matches, but why put yourself in the position of someone being disappointed when they see you?? That’s one of the great mysteries (and frustrations) of online dating. Don’t be that person.
If you have a dating profile up somewhere - anywhere - Tinder, Bumble, Match, OKCupid, wherever - go review it right now. Including your photos. Are you guilty of any of the don’ts above? Is your profile an accurate reflection of who you are and what you’re seeking?
If not, I implore you to fix it! Trust me on this one. See you tomorrow for Part 2!
#1 Get Lucky
Start to consider yourself a lucky person. An intuitive person. A person who just “has a feeling” that turns out to be right. If you have a challenge, celebrate your ability to handle it. Be grateful it wasn’t worse. Consider yourself LUCKY it wasn’t worse.
I find cash on the street all the time. If you search #queenoffoundmoney on Instagram, you’ll find pics of a sampling of my found money. I wasn’t on Instagram when I found $1,000 cash on the sidewalk, or one of the few times I can recall finding a $50 bill. (Once while I was driving and spotted it on the road!) People always say to me “how does this always happen to you?” How it happens for me is by expecting it to happen. Looking down periodically while I walk down the street because I expect it to happen. Snapping a photo and creating my own Instagram hashtag is how it happens.
Serendipity is a magical force in the universe and luckily for us, you can court it. Expecting lucky things to happen and getting really excited when they do is all you need to do to put luck to work for you.
#2 Treat Love Like A Verb
Love is most often thought of as a feeling. When you say “I love John” you mean you feel love for him. Love as a feeling is great, but it’s only half the story. Feelings change. When you’re furious at John, are you overwhelmed with feelings of love, no matter how much you love him? Probably not.
Love as a verb means treating love as a choice - an immutable one. If you treat love as a verb - as an action, as something you do, you convey and experience love on a deeper level. Writing John a heartfelt letter of encouragement while you’re mad at him is an ACT OF LOVE. You are choosing to do the loving thing, even in a moment where your feeling of love is nowhere to be found.
If you’ve been in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) with someone who says they love you while also treating you badly, you understand the power of doing love. How empty an “I love you” is without the action to back it up.
Most people treat acting in a loving way as something that happens after you have feelings of love towards someone. “Love your neighbor” doesn’t mean having feelings of love in your heart for all of humankind. It means treating your neighbors with love - not harming them, looking out for their well-being, treating them with respect and kindness, even when you disagree.
Begin to regularly ask yourself in your dealings with other people “Am I doing the loving thing right now?” The more challenging the moment, the harder (and more important) it will be to take stock. Choosing love more often than not will completely rewire your connections with other people and make you a bigger love magnet than ever.
# 3 Write down your love vision
Write down your love vision - not a list of the characteristics of who you want to meet - a vision of your relationship together. Write down what it feels like between you - how you feel when you’re with this person. What do you share together? What is your life like?
When you look at what you’ve written, you should feel an emotional connection to it. If it doesn’t give you a warm, fuzzy feeling, then re-write it until it does.
Once your vision is down on paper (actual paper recommended), keep it by your bedside or somewhere you can see it every day. Read it, close your eyes and envision it. Stick with this practice every day until the vision feels real, and then until you’ve manifested it into reality.
#4 Start Wishing Differently
I hear a lot of single people say things like “I just want someone to do things with” or “I just want someone who isn’t crazy” or “I just want to meet someone already.”
None of these statements sound negative at first blush, but what they are indicative of is a frustrated, pessimistic mindset. That is not a love-attracting mindset, but rather a love-blocking one.
To re-write these common pessimistic thoughts when they pop into your head or out of your mouths, try saying instead: “I’m ready for a partner who shares my interests and has a compatible lifestyle” or “I can’t wait to meet the person who’s ready and available for the same relationship I want” or “I’m open to receive my ideal, complementary partnership.”
It might sound like new-age semantics, but it’s not. Our thoughts have power. Ultimate power over us, as they guide all of our actions. If you accept that an abused child who thinks repeatedly “no one loves me” is impacted by that thought, or that a champion athlete who repeatedly thinks “if I work hard, I will win” is impacted by that thought, then you must accept that your thoughts also impact your reality.
Most of our thoughts are on an endless loop in our minds. By identifying the thoughts you don’t want, distancing yourself from them when they pop-up (Oh, I’m thinking this old crap again) and choosing a new thought instead will change your life. And your love life.
#5 Be the CEO of your emotional state
All too often we ride the tide of emotion based on what others say or do towards us or other people. A trip to check Facebook can fall off the rails into a negative emotional spiral.
“He/she/they/everyone made me feel X.” Here’s a newsflash: no one can make you feel anything. If a stranger walked up to you on the street and said “I never really loved you” you would feel one way (most likely, confused). If your mother called you up and said the same thing - well, needless to say you’d probably have a stronger reaction.
Nothing anyone else says or does makes us feel or do anything - we always have a choice. You didn’t work the weekend because your boss said you had to - you worked the weekend because you chose keeping your boss happy over the repercussions if you said no.
Same goes for your emotional state. Now, of course we are not robots and we are interconnected to other people and it makes us human to choose to let the words and experiences of others impact our feelings. BUT when your feelings are getting derailed, and you’re not able to stay in a positive, love-attracting mindset, it’s up to you to get your emotions back on track. You’re the boss, and it’s up to you to act like it.
You might need help doing that at times, but it’s up to you to get the help you need. CEOs are in charge, but they have a lot of people who support them. It might come from a friend, a therapist or counselor, a spiritual mentor or even a coach like me. No matter what form, that is awesome so long as its healthy and works for you.
I recommend assembling an “emotional toolbox” that you can turn to when times are tough. It might contain practices, readings, journals, works of art or go-to pick-me-up activities. Don’t wait until you’re feeling off-kilter to scramble to get yourself out of an emotional hole. Write down what you’ll do when you’re feeling down, and add to the list as more tools occur to you.
Keep your head right and love will find you!
Need some help to get you on the right love attracting path? Schedule your FREE 1-on-1 session with me by clicking HERE.
I’m on a mission to help more people meet potential dates IRL (in real life). Online dating is an excellent resource, but every time you leave your house you have the potential to meet someone special.
That serendipitous meeting can be courted into your life by your actions, and of course - by your openness to it happening.
Attractive, accomplished, interesting and highly eligible singles tell me all the time that they rarely if ever meet people offline, or that they wouldn’t even know how to begin doing so.
Well, if this resonates with you, you’re in luck - I’m going to show you 3 unconventional ways to meet someone using your cellphone that are NOT online dating.
1. Airdrop him a photo
This one is for Mac users only (sorry, Androids and PCs!). If you’ve never used it, Airdrop is a feature on all Bluetooth enabled Apple devices, from iPhones to AirBooks. It allows you to send photos instantly and directly from your iPhoto into another user’s iPhoto (assuming they have it enabled in Settings) using Bluetooth. No text or emailing required, which means no contact information needs to be known or exchanged.
If you’ve ever used it, you’ve probably noticed that any number of devices might show up from strangers in your immediate Bluetooth range. At some point a couple of years ago I started sending complete strangers photos from my phone. First it was a picture of Kermit the Frog, then it was a full moon shining on a beach, and most recently it was a picture of the Manhattan Bridge.
You’re probably saying Huh? Why on earth would you do that? Well, I do it because it’s fascinating to me who decides to hit “Accept” from a stranger (most people decline) and it has resulted in such interesting encounters and conversations once I’ve deduced who the person is who accepted my photo.
There’s no way for you to target a particular person unless you happen to know their name is John and you select “John’s iPhone” or you’re the only two people in the room. So it really is an act of random faith - a way to court serendipity! If a person is open minded enough to accept your photo, they’re probably open minded enough to have a conversation, which could lead…. anywhere!
Some creepy/predatory people - OK, creepy/predatory men - use AirDrop to send dick pics or pornographic images to unsuspecting women. Obviously, don’t do that! That’s not the kind of party I’m endorsing here.
2. Ask him to take your photo
My brilliant friend Amy Van Doran says on the topic of meeting someone IRL: “It doesn’t really matter what you say, as long as you say something.” Asking someone to take your pic is an easy thing to say because it’s so common it’s unlikely to come across as strange - not that I have anything against strange, because I don’t!
This request accomplishes a few things:
Most people, especially men, enjoy the chance to be useful to a woman, even in such a small way. You’re giving him that opportunity.
If they’re available and interested, they are likely to capitalize on this moment of connection.
If they’re not available or not interested, it feels less vulnerable for you - you were only asking for a photo, not a date!
If you’re in a cool or scenic place, you can offer to take one of them, too, furthering the interaction and increasing the chances that a longer conversation may result.
You might get a really good photo that you can use on a dating app to meet someone else! (Hey - there’s always a silver lining!)
3. Show him a cool app
I love the night sky. So I have an app on my phone called Sky Guide (there are other night sky apps, this just happens to be the one I use) that shows real time GPS of every known planet, star and constellation in both the Northern and Southern Hemispheres. So for instance, if you hold your phone up to the sky you can see exactly what the the sky looks above you, above the clouds and light pollution. If you point it down you can see the night sky beneath our feet on the other side of the earth. It’s beautifully illustrated and it’s cool to look at.
I so love this app that I have felt compelled, multiple times, to show it to a complete stranger so they too can see the entire universe hiding right above our heads. Once I showed it to a guy in a bar, and as we sat gazing up at my phone, he remarked that it was a romantic moment. And he was right - it was. I wasn’t romantically interested in him, but if I had been, it would’ve been perfect. Even as it was, we had a lovely moment and a nice conversation. Zero downside!
The night sky app is great because it’s something that most people can appreciate - even if you don’t know Orion from Corona Borealis, it’s undeniably beautiful. Maybe something like that appeals to you, or you’re looking for the person who wants to see a tarot-card-a-day or who wants to play against you on the latest word game app.
At this point, you’ve obviously noticed that I am a different from the average person when it comes to my willingness to talk to strangers (I met my boyfriend on a corner on Sunset Boulevard, where he happened to waiting for an Uber and I happened to be walking by).
But since I’ve done all these things, that’s why I can tell you they work! You might not fall in love with every stranger you encounter (that would get inconvenient real fast anyway), but it only takes one. And there is zero downside to practicing talking to strangers in anticipation of one day meeting your special someone.
Serendipity is a real force in the universe, and like most things, the more you expect it to happen, the more likely it is to happen and for you to notice when it does. Start getting excited about who you might meet and where that connection might take you. It might not be romantic, or you might make a new friend, like I did recently via Airdrop encounter. And who knows who you might meet because of your new friend? It could be the start of a great love story.
#1 You Can’t Hurry Love
One of the biggest myths about romantic love is that it is some mystical force outside of ourselves. It’s a mystical force, alright. And so are we!
Think about it – what other aspect of life do we expect to “happen when it happens”? Money? Health? A job? Friendship? Of course, the answer is none – only love.
A beautiful, loving relationship can fall into your lap. It happens. But what happens more often is a person deciding its time to get serious about finding love. They go online. They ask for introductions. They take up new hobbies that get them out of the house and interacting with new people. They attend dating events. They even hire a professional to help them.
If you wouldn’t sit on the sofa waiting for a job to “just happen”, then why would you for love?
#2 You’ll Find Love When You Stop Looking
It’s such a peeve of mine when people say this. It’s like saying “give up on your heart’s desire in order to find your heart’s desire”, which is nonsense. Using the same analogy as above, would you say “you’ll get in shape when you stop trying to get in shape?” Or you’ll “get rich when you stop trying to get rich?”
Love is your birthright. Every person on the planet who is in a relationship has within them the same desire as you – don’t allow anyone to shame you into convincing yourself you no longer want or expect love.
#3 You’re Unlucky
It’s true that finding compatible partners is something that comes more easily to some than others, for a plethora of reasons. But the bottom line – your luck can change. There’s that wonderful expression “the harder I work, the luckier I get” – and the same applies to love.
If you have a pattern or belief system that is holding you back from finding the love you desire and deserve, it can be changed. Believing in what’s possible for you is the first step.
#4 All The Good Ones Are Taken
Are you taken? Nope. Case closed.
p.s. There are 109 MILLION single adults in the United States. Is every one of them for you? No. Are you for all of them? No. Luckily you’re only looking for 1!
#5 People Don’t Want Relationships Anymore
Do you know people in relationships? Do you know people looking for relationships? So this is pretty obviously untrue, right?
15% of Americans have tried online dating alone – that’s millions of people who are virtually raising their hands and saying “I want to meet someone”. That’s a lot of people to ignore.
Partnership and love are a human need – not everyone is looking for the same things at the same time to be sure – which is where getting clear on what you want and learning to uncover what your potential partners want is key.
Modern dating can be hard. You are faced with a more challenging dating landscape than ever before. But you are not alone – not alone in seeking love and not alone in finding resources to overcome your biggest dating challenges.
At some point, clinging to reasons why finding love is hard or impossible is a defense from disappointment. That disappointment can be armor keeping you from the very love you want!
Want to talk about how I can help? Book your FREE session today!
I've failed a lot. I've fallen short of many goals. We all do it. When you fall short, it can feel so demoralizing.
But I've also achieved a lot of my goals. The difference between success and failure has been really clear. These are the 3 essential elements of any success I've every had:
1. Setting myself up to win
We really are ambitious, aren't we? It's a beautiful thing. But it can also be a hindrance. I have learned to set goals incrementally, in small steps. Because each step you achieve along the way gives you the confidence of the "win" - and that helps you to keep moving forward, with more and more enthusiasm (and success)!
2. Practicing self-compassion
If there was one gift I could give the world, it would be self-compassion. One benefit of self-compassion is the less harshly you judge yourself, the less you will judge others.
But when it comes to achieving goals, self-judgment is also kind of copout - if you're beating yourself up, it's hard to move forward in any productive way. So when you let yourself down, or you feel that you've done the wrong thing, please be compassionate towards yourself. And keep going!
3. Realizing everything is in perfect timing
Just because it's not my timing, or your timing, doesn't mean the timing won't eventually reveal itself to be perfect! It can be sooo frustrating to feel ready for something, but not to see that thing appear in your life. That frustration, like judgment, can cause you to give up.
But patience always pays off. Sometimes you have another lesson to learn before you reach your goal and sometimes another opportunity you can't even imagine right now is coming.
Keep the faith. Keep going after what you want in life! This is the only life you have to live, so make it count.
I have a tendency to accumulate way too many clothes. Once or twice a year I go through my clothes and I purge. I used to only get rid of the things I didn’t like anymore or were decidedly out of fashion.
These days, I have a different standard for what stays and what goes. I still get rid of those things I just don’t like and won't wear again, of course. But I also get rid of some things that I do like and still wear.
Sometimes, an article of clothing has just run its course. I can look at a dress I’ve worn a hundred times and will probably wear again in the future and just instinctively say enough. It’s time for someone else to discover this at Goodwill and enjoy it.
The same goes for much bigger things – jobs, apartments, even relationships.
You don’t have to wait until something has gone south to move on to something new. I’ve left jobs not because I hated the job, but because I knew that moving on would open me up to something new and better. And I was right. Every single time.
The familiar can be so comforting, addictive even – but it can be a trap. If you don’t let yourself move on past your dreaded “comfort zone”, you risk waking up one day to discover your situation has gone from being “OK” to being “Oh sh*t”.
How many times in your life did you look back and think “I really should have let go of X a long time ago. What took me so long?" If it’s a dress, not a big deal. But what if it’s something a lot more significant?
What new person or opportunity do you risk not having because you don’t want to let go to something comfortable?
Chances are there’s something in your life right now that has outlived its benefit to you. You’ve probably had something or someone in mind as you’ve read this email. Don’t ignore your instinct to examine and release it, whatever it might be. At least consider what might be possible for you.
I’m excited for whatever’s on the other side of your comfort zone – are you?
Serendipity is my FAVORITE force in the universe. I actively court it and expect it in my life. I've found close to $2,000 in cash lying on sidewalks, dance floors, subways, and more. I expect to find money to the point of calling myself the Queen of Found Money.
I meet new people "randomly" that lead to all sorts of unforeseeable connections and outcomes. It never even occurred to me to start a career in the love industry (and I didn't know there was such a thing as the love industry), before a random conversation with a woman I didn't know at a BBQ led me to discover Paul C. Brunson. I followed him on Twitter because she did, and it was a tweet from him that eventually led me to the Matchmaking Institute.
That encounter literally changed my life. I'd never met that woman before and I haven't seen her since. (I do follow her on Twitter, though!) I never, ever in a million years could have imagined that talking to a stranger at a BBQ would change my life.
Most recently, I started writing a book inspired by a conversation I had with a woman I met at a restaurant in Amsterdam. I might never see her again, but I am so grateful for that chance meeting!
I could go on and on. In fact, I recently wrote a list of all the unexpected encounters I've had that wound up significantly impacting the trajectory of my life. It was a long list. And those are the just the ones I can remember and paid attention to.
"Where attention goes, energy flows" is a constant refrain in my life. And I give a lot of attention to serendipity.
How about you? Can you think of some of the times in your life something unexpectedly and improbably wonderful happened? The last time you decided to turn right instead of left and something incredible happened as a result?
What about the last person you encountered who turned out to have a profound impact on your life?
If you've never given much attention to these kinds of events, I encourage you to start now. See them and acknowledge them as the magic they are. Ask yourself often "I wonder when the next serendipitous thing will occur in my life?"
And when it (inevitably) does happen, be grateful for it. Get excited for the next one. And watch the magic happen!
Speaking of things magically happening, if you missed my Law of Attraction call this week, here's the call replay link!
I hope you have a beautiful weekend!
I'm currently in Washington DC visiting my brand new goddaughter Zora (and her mom!). She's only 24 days old, and it's fascinating to watch her start to absorb the world around her.
This morning I was looking after her while her mom got some things done around the house. She was clearly hungry, but unlike being fed instantaneously as she's become used to, she had to wait.
In the 10 minutes or so between the time I understood that she was hungry and a bottle was warm and ready for me to start feeding her, I watched her become more and more agitated.
That agitation, I realized was actually fear - she wasn't thinking "Can you please hurry up and heat that bottle faster?" She was thinking something more along the lines of "I am hungry and there's no food! Panic! Panic!"
In that moment, I wished I could convey to her that while she can't see the big picture, she should rest assured that food was on its way. There was no reason to panic.
Like baby Zora, we can rarely see the big picture in the smallest of circumstances - like what's happening in the kitchen of a restaurant that's delayed our meal. When it comes to higher stakes issues, like why you haven't yet met your life partner, there is always a bigger picture that we don't normally see.
Panic! Panic! Is our programmed response to being in the dark. But it doesn't have to be. Our fear kicks in in anticipation of something happening or not happening. How often do you expect a bad outcome, and then spend all of your energy shrieking (metaphorically) before the outcome has arrived?
The only thing I have ever found that stops me from defaulting to panic mode is faith. Faith that whatever is outside of my control is going to happen whether or not I freak out about it in advance. Faith that I have more control over my life's outcomes than conventional wisdom teaches.
Easier said than done, I know - for me at times as well! But faith is important because the stories we tell ourselves about our lives have real consequences.
If you want to gain some tools you can start using right away to start telling yourself a different story - one that serves you rather than one that causes you to panic, I have an invitation for you!
Please join me on Tuesday, June 13th at 7pm EST/4pm PST for an interactive conversation about the Law of Attraction and how it will help you to achieve better results in any area of your life.
This call is 100% free and I have nothing to sell you - I only want to share the insights I have gained from being an active Law of Attraction guinea pig for the last 10+ years!
You can access the dial-in details and add this event to your calendar via THIS LINK.
If you can't attend live, don't worry - the call will be recorded and I will send the recording to you next Friday.
Have a wonderful weekend!
You know how some people just bug the hell out of you? You know they're not a bad person, but they irk you nonetheless?
I have one of these people in my life. She's a colleague and I know her heart is in the right place. She is highly strategic about promoting her business via social media and she posts questions like "what's your favorite thing about me?" and encourages her audience to post the same question. She has three hashtags she created that she uses constantly.
She drives me CRAZY.
This week I attended a talk about women in the workplace and one of the topics covered was the tendency of women not to brag about their accomplishments, oftentimes to the detriment of their career advancement.
This woman who bugs me often discusses the same topic. In fact, I know the reason she posts on Facebook blatantly asking for compliments is that she is forcing herself to confront this tendency within herself and to empower other women to do the same.
The more I thought about this woman, the more I realized the fact I could never put myself out there like that is the reason I'm so bugged by her.
Her style is not my style, but so what?
I don't want to be her and I don't feel moved to ask questions like hers, but I see a piece of myself in her. A part of myself I am not comfortable confronting. And that's why she bugs me so much.
Frankly, I'm just being a hater.
I know that haters only hate when they are triggered by something they fear they can't have, or something they fear they truly are. In this case, it might be a bit of both.
If you look a little closer at that person who bugs you, my guess is you will find the same. Once you recognize that for what it is, it makes dealing with that person a lot easier. And they might just teach you something about yourself in the process.
I know what it is to feel fear. There was a time in my life where I actively worked to conceal my romantic feelings for someone for fear that he'd reject me if given the opportunity.
I talk to single people all the time who have similar fears. It stops them from taking all kinds of actions - making eye contact with a stranger, messaging someone online, or asking someone out on a date.
Can you relate? If so, here are 3 easy steps to conquer your fear of rejection, for good:
1) Get rejected.
Stick with me here. Jason Comely, a Canadian entrepreneur, was sick of being too scared to ask women out on dates. So he designed what he called "rejection therapy". For 30 days, he intentionally asked requests of people he knew they would reject - like asking a stranger in a parking lot to drive him to a town 20 miles away.
He got no after no, and eventually he realized that "no" couldn't hurt him.
You don't have to go to that extreme to get the benefit of surviving a perceived rejection.
The key is to accept that it is going to feel very uncomfortable and scary to put yourself out there. Lean into the fear, don't try to wish it away. It will only go away once you desensitize yourself to it.
Trust me. This works!
2) Stop assuming you can read minds.
There have been a few occasions in my life when I said no to someone who asked me out when in my heart, I wanted to say yes. Not to mention the countless times I obliviously blew someone off without even realizing that person's interest in me.
The reasons for my reactions were varied, but the bottom line was I had my own issues I was dealing with that held me back.
I would hate to think that those guys wasted any time wondering why I didn't like them. The truth was, I did like them! It 100% had nothing to do with them - it was all me.
We are all the heroes of our own stories. And so it makes sense why you, with the clarity of your perspective, think that you are accurately assessing any given situation.
But I promise you, you are wrong. At least some of the time! We all are. A "no" or a gesture unreturned or a message ignored might feel crappy, but don't create a story about the "why". Sometimes, the why is just unknowable and oftentimes it doesn't have a thing to do with you.
3. Change your definition of rejection.
I've obviously been using the word "rejection" here, but it's a problematic word. It has emotional weight - negative emotional weight, and that has power over us.
"Rejection" feels like someone has made an assessment of your personal value as a human and found you lacking. It feels like you aren't good enough.
The reality is, you're always good enough. You might not be the right fit with a particular person, the timing might be wrong, or any number of factors you aren't aware of might be at play.
When you feel that awful, creeping feeling of being "rejected", take a deep breath and remind yourself that when the time is right, when the opportunity is right and when the person is right, you'll get the outcome you are seeking.
Until then, every "no" gets you closer to that YES. And that is a good thing.
I'm a huge fan of The Golden Girls. I’ve seen every episode multiple times. It never gets old!
Last week at dinner with some girlfriends I asked everyone which Golden Girl they most identified with. I myself always related most to Dorothy, the smart, sensible and level-headed one.
When I told them I was a Dorothy, my friends unilaterally declared that I was more Blanche than Dorothy. After some initial resistance, I realized I really am pretty much a Blanche. (A Blanche/Dorothy hybrid, to more precise.)
Since then, I’ve embraced my Blanche status. As women, we are taught early on to be modest and passive and to deflect compliments and to be sexy to men while also pretending not to want sex for ourselves.
I talk to so many single women who have completely suppressed their inner Blanche Devereux, to their detriment. They are stuck in a cycle of being critical of themselves and waiting for a man to “discover” them instead of discovering themselves.
And so I was inspired to create a new challenge – a 30-day Blanche Devereux challenge! This challenge is designed to take a different action each day for 30 days to channel a little bit of Blanche's boldness and sassiness and confidence into your life.
It's my gift to you and can download it HERE.
Feel free to share it with a friend and do the challenge together!
Go forth and be sexy, sugar!
This week I had multiple conversations about falling in love. It's so interesting how many different ways people define that experience.
If you fell out of love, was it love to begin with? Can you fall in love with someone who doesn't love you? Does love at first sight exist? Is there someone in love with you without you knowing it, and if so, is that truly love?
Is love an agreement between two people? Can that agreement be broken without mutual consent? Can you be in love and not even know it?
From all the opinions I've heard about falling in love, the common theme seems to be that when it comes to defining love, context is everything.
I believe that to fully experience love, you have to see it as both a feeling and an action. They feed off of each other. The more you feel love, the more you are driven to express it. The more you express it, the more that action inspires you to feel it.
I don't consider falling in love to only be romantic. Romance doesn't have a monopoly on love - love is bigger than everything. You can fall in love with anyone, including yourself.
And that's my holiday wish for you - to fall in love, to fall back in love, over and over, starting with you.
I've gone to the gym more in the past two weeks than I have in the previous three months combined.
I hurt my knee back in August at Burning Man (I know, I know - a Burning Man injury isn't exactly dignified), and other than a few yoga classes and a couple of hikes, I had stopped working out since.
My knee has been better for awhile now, but I'd created a new habit - a sedentary one.
Two weeks ago I went to a dinner party where I struck up a conversation with two people I didn't know. The conversation turned to exercise and I lamented how completely unmotivated I felt to set foot inside the gym.
One of the guys I was talking to immediately suggested we agree to work out at least once before the following Monday. Monday was 5 days away and I still cringed at the thought of committing to a single workout in that time.
But the other dinner guest chimed in that was a great idea and I begrudgingly agreed. Since that night, we have a group text where we report our workout activity. Now we've all committed to twice a week, and I'm already ahead of schedule and earning extra credit for this week!
It's a phenomenon I've observed in my own coaching practice as well as in other areas of my life - sometimes you need a stranger to hold you accountable.
These guys don't want to hear my excuses about how busy I am and how the day got away from me and on and on and on. And frankly, it'd be too embarrassing to even try to justify to them not meeting our modest collective goal.
And so, thanks to some virtual strangers I am back on track with working out.
Is there something you've been neglecting to do? Could you use some accountability?
Find a buddy to answer to, and make it happen!
We got this!
As hard as it is to believe, the end of the year is upon us.
The holidays are a perfect time to reflect on all we've been given. And of course, to give to others.
I'm not much of a holiday gift giver - but I do want to share with you some charities I really believe in. 'Tis the season for giving and I hope you consider giving to a worthy cause that you believe in.
Your time, your dollars, even your encouragement are all valuable ways to give.
Flying Kites: A few years ago I climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro in support of Flying Kites. FK is an amazing organization that provides a home and education for orphaned children in Kenya.
Donors Choose: DC directly supplies underfunded classrooms with the supplies they need. You can pick from a classroom's wish list or simply give a donation in any amount.
The Human Utility: This is so genius - this organization pays the past due water bills of poor families in Detroit and Baltimore. Turning the water back on - a wonderful gift to give a family for the holidays.
Global Goods Partners: If you are in the market for beautiful and unique gifts, please consider GGP. All of their items are made by hand by well-paid women artisans in developing countries. GGP pays the women directly for their wares.
Thank you for reading.
I wish you beautiful gifting and receiving this season!
I recently learned that one of the couples I've long admired started their relationship while one of them was married to someone else. Decades later, no one would doubt that they are one of those "meant to be" couples.
My own parents met when my mother was dating someone else (whom she promptly dumped for my dad). I actually know quite a few couples who met and fell for each other while one of more of them was involved with someone else.
My knee-jerk reaction is to feel that leaving your partner for someone else is morally questionable, to say nothing of the dubiousness of outright cheating. But who am I to judge another person's path to happiness? Is staying in one relationship when you're in love with someone else doing you or anyone else any favors?
I'm not so sure.
Let me be clear - I don't tell you this to say that cheating is good - in fact, I think that cheating is a bad idea. Morality aside, it typically doesn't end well, which alone is enough of a reason not to do it. But I have to recognize that judging other people for a set of circumstances I didn't personally experience is just as morally dubious as anything I might judge in someone else.
One of the most beautiful things about life is that we all have many different paths - we could never guess the twists and turns our lives will take. And what is more unpredictable than love?
On a more everyday scale, I talk to people who spend a lot of emotional energy judging themselves for their own paths. Whether they're embarrassed they're on a dating app, or that they don't yet have children or the "perfect" career, body, home, etc...
Imagine a world where we practiced more compassion towards ourselves and towards others. That's a world I want to live in.
"Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well." -Voltaire
I appreciate you so very much. I am sending you much love and gratitude this weekend, and always.
This past week and a half has been rough for just about everyone I know. Election 2016 was not a joke. We've been in such a collective state of stress and anxiety for so long, I suppose it was inevitable that no matter the outcome, half of the country would come down hard.
I consider myself to be a very emotionally resilient person, but the past week and half has been trying to a degree that has really surprised me. I felt unmotivated, depressed and like I was walking around in a fog.
On Wednesday, two things happened that helped me to see the light again. First, I went for a hike and I came across the LA version of the Pont des Arts bridge in Paris - AKA the "love locks" bridge, which is a fence along the trail.
Seeing all those locks, with names and dates written or taped or carved into the locks, helped me to remember that love will always survive any dashed hopes - love is simply who we are. And that is not changing.
The second thing that happened was I received an email from a former client with the subject "Found love". She wanted to share with me that she had fallen in love with a wonderful man and they had decided to commit to each other. She thanked me for my help in her journey, but I am the one who is grateful to her. Her email was right on time!
I believe in signs - and I was reminded that while we might have to peer through fog to see them, they are still all around us.
Now is the time to prove to ourselves that we can continue to live our values, that we can rise above the darkness and be the light. Now is the time for us to choose how to move forward. I choose love.