Modern dating can feel impossible, but it isn’t! You’re not alone in your frustration - millions of other singles share it. Knowing these three truths can help you to date with more confidence.
More love confidence = an easier and shorter journey to falling in love.
#1 Unavailable people are overrepresented in the dating pool.
Sometimes, someone who looks like a catch from the outside is single because they simply haven’t met the right person. Other times, that person is single because they are simply not available for a relationship.
Unavailability can take many forms - from a perpetual “it’s complicated” relationship status, to an inability to cope with emotional intimacy or the unrealistic perfectionism that leads them to always think there’s someone without any flaws out there somewhere, if only they keep looking.
There are a lot of people out there looking for love and commitment. There are also a lot of people out there who are dating, but are not ready, able and willing to be in a loving, committed relationship.
The problem is, some of these unavailable singles look available from a distance. They might even consider themselves available, though their actions and relationships tell a different story. Nothing can tank your love confidence faster then being disappointed by someone you imagined a future with. If this rings true for you, your #1 dating priority should be finding people who are, first and foremost, available. Emotionally, relationship status-wise and physically.
People show you who they are and what they’re capable of if you are willing to pay attention. No matter how sexy, smart, funny, accomplished or fun to be around someone is, if you want love and they’re not able to give and receive that love, you are heading for heartache. Period.
By learning to spot who is and who isn’t ready for the commitment you’re seeking, you will save yourself a lot of time and heartache. And your love confidence will grow as a result!
#2 Most single people aren’t actively dating.
According to Match’s latest data, 56% of U.S. singles didn’t go on a single date in 2018. That’s tens of millions of people who might want to meet someone, but they’re not actively trying, at least not effectively.
I know from personal experience as a love coach how long some people wait passively, hoping love will “just happen” before they realize if it ain’t “just happening”, it’s up to them to make it happen.
You might feel like you’re the last single person on earth. You might feel like you’ve exhausted all of your options to meet someone. But luckily, your feelings aren’t facts!
How can you push yourself to make sure that: A) you are actively dating; and B) you are being creative and open minded about how to connect with potential partners?
Do you need to work on flirting? Expanding your social circle? Asking for setups? Asking people on dates? Learning how to connect better with others? Every example I’ve just given is a skill - meaning you can learn it if you don’t know it, and you can improve upon it if you do.
We gain confidence by doing. Taking charge of your love life and being an active participant, rather than a passive one, will give you an instant love confidence boost!
# 3 Online dating isn’t your only option.
When used correctly, online dating can be a fantastic tool. But it isn’t the only tool available. If online dating has been a demoralizing or intimidating experience for you, it’s time to re-evaluate your strategy - not time to give up on love. (There’s never a time when that’s a good idea!)
The inequalities in online dating (notably - white women are the top of the online dating hierarchy and black women are at the proverbial bottom) have been well-documented in the media. The frustrations of online dating are talked about everywhere. All of this information and data has the effect of making most singles feel hopeless and defeated - the opposite of confident in their ability to find love.
If you’ve been online for a while and it’s not working well for you, you can make some tactical changes - new photos, new profile, new strategy - but I don’t want to see anyone solely dependent on online dating.
Every time you leave your house you have the opportunity to meet someone special.
I see so many people struggling through online dating for years without taking the time to figure out how to meet people any other way. And as a result they have little to no confidence in themselves (romantically speaking).
I challenge you to try to meet at least one person IRL in the next 30 days. Go to events that interest you and talk to strangers. Embrace serendipity. Push yourself to say hello. Go to a singles event. Make eye contact and smile at that intriguing stranger, especially if that idea horrifies you!
I met my boyfriend on a street corner. If I hadn’t been open to looking a stranger in the eyes and seeing if I could make a connection, we would have simply passed each other like ships in the night. There was a time, when I had extremely low love confidence where I never would have met someone that way. I was far too self conscious. Even a passing glance would have felt terrifying to me.
I share that personal story with you so you know - I get how hard it can feel. I really do. If you can open your mind to the possibility that you can gain more love confidence, that’s a step in the right direction - an amazing first step!
Need some help strengthening your love confidence? Reserve your free 1-on-1 coaching session with me. I’d love to give you some personalized guidance.