Avoider card.png

The Avoider

What’s Your Dating Diagnosis? Quiz score 10-14

Fictional spirit animals:

  • Elizabeth Bennett, before she and Mr. Darcy admitted they loved each other.

  • Steve Carrell in The 40 Year Old Virgin

  • Kate from This Is Us before she met Toby.

Overview

As the name suggests, Avoiders avoid. Anecdotally, I’d put approximately half the single women I speak to in this category. It’s a common Love Mindset for high achieving, single professional women.

Avoiders stay busy with work, family obligations, travel schedules, friendships, and ever-increasing distractions. Similar to Loopers, you’ve been stuck in this pattern for awhile, and it’s possible this has been your only love mindset up until now. For some Avoiders, this phase has persisted since the end of your last relationship, which might have been years ago.

You might acknowledge at times that you want love, but often with cynicism or self-doubt. Going years without dating is common for Avoiders. Your self-consciousness about being single for a long time can add to your anxiety or fear about boldly admitting you want love or making a real effort to get out and date.

You are most likely considered to be a total catch to those who know you - and you are! You have so much love to give, and the only thing that’s standing between you and a loving relationship are the barriers you’ve unconsciously constructed. All of which you can overcome!

Dating Habits

Avoiders oftentimes sabotage themselves in sneaky ways, such as:

  • being “too busy” to focus on dating

  • expending all of your emotional reserves taking care of/worrying about others

  • dwelling on “logical” or statistical reasons why love is unlikely to happen (age, race, etc.)

  • having a paralyzing fear of being hurt

  • continually delaying dating for other more pressing concerns or a “future you” that’s more successful or more attractive

  • finding something wrong with anyone available who expresses interest in you

  • unwillingness to let go of outdated or unrealistic romantic fantasies

  • conflating vulnerability with weakness

  • developing intense crushes on unavailable people

Side note on the last example above:

Many high-achieving Avoiders eventually tell the object of their desire their (usually unrequited) feelings, and after initial feelings of mortification, the Avoider recovers from the disappointment. That fast recovery is more evidence that the feelings were less about the other person and more about the Avoider unconsciously picking someone who keeps them emotionally “safe” by not being available to engage on an emotionally intimate level.

Dating Psychology

You might have brief periods of time where you decide to give dating a real try, but it never results in much. You likely have left those experiences feeling as disheartened as ever (if not more). Any forays into online dating have probably consisted of you putting in little effort and quickly concluding that online dating doesn’t work.

When Avoiders do date, the tendency is to have romantic or sexual entanglements with people who are emotionally unavailable in some way - they don’t want a relationship, they’re in a relationship with someone else, or they pop into your life occasionally only to disappear again. These arrangements are unlikely to feed your heart or soul, but at times can feel “better than nothing.”

Avoiders are genius at attracting and being attracted to the exact people who will reinforce your negative, false beliefs about yourself. Your experiences up until now are not your destiny. Change your mind and discover where all those people who’d love to date you are hiding! (Hint: they’re in plain sight.)

Getting Closer To Love

I have seen many Avoiders reform their mindset and find love. I love working with Avoiders because they can see a huge amount of change from coaching in a small amount of time. And I can relate to Avoiders because I used to be one!

The bottom line is - if you truly want a loving relationship, a commitment to moving past this phase is a must.

It can be just a phase, but the first step in upgrading your mindset is deciding to do so. So if this mindset rings true for you, it’s time to do something about it!

Is it possible for an Avoider to get into a relationship? Yes, and it does happen. But it’s far less likely you’ll meet someone special and it is less likely you’ll be able to build a lasting foundation while you’re still avoiding feeling vulnerable and harboring negative beliefs about love.

As a first step, decide to begin checking any negative thoughts you have about yourself in relationship to love (check out my free Love Beliefs exercise for more on this).

True and lasting love is possible for you. Your only job is to clear the obstacles you’ve put in your way (these will mostly be unconscious, btw!), starting with your mindset.

The Avoider Love-Attracting Mantra

I now open myself up to give and receive love more deeply than I previously thought was possible.

Essential Reading for The Avoider

Ready To Go Deeper?

If your newfound clarity has led to newfound feelings of overwhelm, I got you. It’s a normal part of the process of awakening and growth. I am here to help you navigate it all. I invite you to book a complimentary Dating Strategy Session with me. Let me show you how to make the lasting change you need to bring true love into your life faster than you thought possible!

Want to understand more about the Love Mindset Archetypes, and do my Love Beliefs exercise? READ MORE HERE.